Don’t get me wrong, a good sexual chemistry is a powerful motivator.
But don’t let the sex cloud your understanding of who the person is, and what other things you like to do together. And initiation of sex shouldn’t cause major shifts in the relationship.
We stopped cheerleading and became more of a negotiator, or even antagonist.
Listen to yourself as you talk about the relationship as well.
When you are describing your relationship to a friend, notice the words you use. What are the highlights that you are proud to share about this person? Are you open and free with your expressions of affection or desire? Are you holding back, or withholding some information for fear of upsetting the other person?
All of these are clues that the relating part of the relationship might still need some exploration. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship.
If the person doesn’t really open up until a glass of wine or two, you might be rubbing up against someone who has a hard time expressing themselves.
Even if the divorce was the result of some infidelity, have they been able to move beyond the anger? I had one woman, who I connected with and had just spent nearly two hours talking to, tell me in the parking lot as she was getting into her car, “I can tell you at least three reasons I’m not right for you.” She didn’t, but she said she knew she had no real idea of what she wanted in a relationship.
Even under duress, I am showing how I can remain calm, and make strong and positive decisions. Especially in the early stages of a new relationship. And often this trauma causes us to revert to old and unhealthy defense mechanisms. I have seen both men and women who were WAY to enmeshed with their children.
And of course, as a divorced, and now-single parent, I am going to do everything I can to take care of my kids needs. Maybe the kid was a brat who was completely undisciplined.
I think we are mostly looking to me found and appreciated by another person, while having the opportunity to appreciate them back. And now, standing strong and alone again, we are ready to dip our toes into the idea of being loved and loving again. And here is what I’ve found to be the indicators of a healthy start.
We want to become the most fantastic cheerleader for their hopes and dreams and we expect that positive affirmation in return. If your potential partner is still dramatically engaged or enraged at their ex partner, watch out. And it’s tough to get through all the processing that needs to happen before we can cut it loose and be free of the burden of our ex.